Automatic Heart

since Psycho Kitty will stay in the old BT forum, i shall place my rants and worries here.

I can't sleep. I'm broke. And now I have a cold.
My mom was bitten by this ginormous rat three days ago. Ever since she's been sleeping in my bed because she's scared to sleep in her own room lest the rat (which is now dead and buried) may come back to eat her. Last night, she went to bed at 2am. At 3am, she sat bolt upright, screamed her head off, and would not stop no matter what I said. It wasn't until I turned on the lights that she snapped out of it. When I asked her if she was alright, she asked me "Who woke me up?"

I was worried that something had bitten her again but turns out she was asleep during the entire screaming episode. I calmed down and knew immediately what had happened since I do in fact pay attention in my psychology classes. She had a Night Terror, which is like sleep walking but way louder and scarier. Weird that if it happens to kids, it's considered normal. I told her that since she had it as an adult, it was probably due to stress, lack of sleep, and other stuff.

Enough with that, on to another topic. I lol'd when I saw this big billboard at the train station terminal. It was from floor to ceiling, was pink and white, and had a giant strawberry on it. It was an ad for The Bar brand Strawberry Vodka. I'll take a picture of it next week when I have the chance.

That's it for now. Going to bed or at least gonna try to.

Yikes, night terrors are scary!

They are VERY scary. Good that my mom doesn't seem to have it tonight or she would have started screaming hours ago.

When your barkada (group of friends) are perverts...you get totally used to all the perverted perversion.
From watching Melons of the Dead (Highschool of the Dead anime, episode 6. boobs.), to volunteering to help sell yaoi doujinshis with potatoes wrapped in bacon that look phallic at a convention...

if i had a spinny office chair, i would be spinning in it.

i am not happy, at the moment.
i feel nothing. like, absolutely nothing.
and why is it the first time i open up to someone, without holding back, they end up deleting their facebook so i cant talk to them there, and subsequently logging out of chat.
*sigh*
do i have no one left to talk to?
is every friend fated to be pushed away by me?

...*spins*...

*rocker mode*

My head is full of nothing
I see my shadows passing by
One thousand diagnoses
Yeah, yeah, OK, who cares?

We are here tonight
Leave the world outside
I see you shining bright
Raise your hands together
Chaos all around
While we're going down
Let's live here and now
Raise your hands together
All together!!!!
(yes, more Tokio Hotel. so sue me.)

i have the strangest desire to run through the rain soaked streets screaming obscenities to the world because at this very second,
I DONT GIVE A FLYING FLAMING FUCK.
WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!


(dont mind me, im almost insane.)

Apparently I really am impulsive. Not just content with randomly buying food even though I promised myself I wouldnt eat to save money, and cutting class after a brief whine of "should i go to class?"

well today at school i got upset because of a certain idiot who refuses to talk to me. when i was on my way downstairs to the usual hangout, i saw that there was a blood drive going on. so i got upset, and ended up donating blood...

is it just me or am i completely irrational?

I seem to be pissed off a lot less now. I wonder if it has to do with the pint of blood I lost last thursday...

hmm...

i did want to squish that blood baggie...squishy, squishy blood baggie...

across the train tracks i commute to everyday
lol

I'll say this right now, as clearly as possible, and before I think better of it and take it back.
This is not a call for attention. Rather, this is some information, a warning, or even an explanation for everything.

I'm sick. Apparently, I have been for at least a year and half now. I think.
At least, it's not too bad and I might be able to get better.
There is a cure, but its long-term and really really expensive.
If I say I'm perfectly fine and accuse you of being wrong in even assuming that something is wrong with me, than that just means I've gotten worse.
I won't die, but I will wish I did and may even try to.

Honestly, I'm scared. Not for me, but what I might do to you guys and to other friends without control.

I'm so sorry guys. For everything. Especially you, TS.

Rarararar.

I. Am. Going. Insane.

Batshit insane.

And not just so frustrated I'm doing stupid things. Noooo.

I'm a psychology major. I KNOW I am going insane. Worst thing is, I only realize I did something...not normal AFTER I did it.

Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. Go, I dare you.

I'm going SCREAMING BATSHIT INSANE and I'm aware of it half the time.

Kill me pls =D

Not being one to usually pass up on a dare, I decided to look up Borderline Personality Disorder.

Well from what little I know about your current predicament and psychology in general I'd say you either have

Discouraged Borderline
or
Self-Destructive Borderline

these are Millon's Subtypes.

Regardless, I'll hope you'll allow me to support you through this.

Hey everyones insane GR the told me I was a little batty but I showed them! It all comes down to how you look at it, yeah you're nuts but hey even if you are you're physcology doesn't entire rule who you are my Mothers been diagnosed with depression and yet she isn't cooped up crying in a bed room everyday, yeah she gets sad, but she deals with it. Everyone deals with someone, it's how we all live.

You sound so drunk, TS o_O

But how do you deal with being angry all the time? How can you keep your cool when every little thing is so incredibly frustrating?
Every person I meet alternates between awesome and unbearably annoying, and its not their fault. How can you deal with thinking that everyone will leave you if they knew more about you, and then find out its true?

I wish I was as awesome as you guys :<

I deal with frustration by screaming about it, I locked my handbag in my house the other day I screamed for about 15 minuets with every second word being fucking this and bullshit that. Then felt better afterwards, botling it in doesn't work. Expression is the way to go, shout to the heavens when you feel like it and damn what the others think. Now when I say this I don't mean if something really bad happens go to therapy cause that doesn't work bury that and ignore it forever. But screaming away your frustration works. As for seeing in black and white well thats just how you see it, so just deal with it ignore the people that suck and go to the people that rock. If it changes then spend one month with people you like and then if you suddenly hate them stop hanging out with them for a while. As for the everyone leaving you thing, even I have that insurcurity, you just gotta decided whose worth letting in to your life.

Hmm...
My dear, I wish it was as easy as you say. I'm not like you. I can't just scream everything away, but its nice that it helps you.
I guess I just need someone to talk to who wouldn't judge me for any reason.

like me?

I suppose.

AAAAAAAAAUGH MY GRAAAAAAADES.
MY GRADES FOR LAST TERM- are fine. not too fail and sort of high.

I have the strangest desire to shy away from weddings.
This is odd because I had no qualms with weddings before.

But there prettttty

Yeah they are. Weird that they bring me to near tears now...Still dont know why.

anyway.

hey hey guys, is it ok if i "put" the two of you into my (hopefully) soon to be novel?

You want meeee! awesome! I'd love to be, oh oh oh oh can you refer to me when you need help so it feels like I'm actually there? Oh, and will I be cool?

Aaaaactually I already kinda put the three of us in SNE...as an all powerful triad that rules:
the entire black market of the world = Shade
the black magic and demonic cults = me
and a private army that conducts performance enhancing human experiments = TS

i hope thats alright *BOWS T_T*

Lol sounds like me destroying the world with science and toast!

Science and toast?

I dunno, to me that's just hilarious.

yes indeed XD