Distance, and Me

Lately I've been very distant from my family, more so than usual. They're noticing, my Dad's been deathly ill lately with Crohm's disease and I haven't been checking in with him, only saying a couple of words when he comes out and only when he says them first. I have mixed feelings about this really. My Mom was the one to point it out to me today while I was eating a sandwich. We talked for a little bit about why, not long, not in depth. I can't have in depth talks with my parents, I'm not sure why, they don't seem to understand when I say things like that. Anyway. The First Reason I guess is that that naturally inclined to be distant with my family, in general we each exist in our own world that just barely recognizes the existences of the other four. I find it strange and unsettling to try and overcome that natural inclination towards emotional distance. I don't even like being in physical proximity to three of my family members, those being: Seth, Cole, Dad. The Second Reason is that my Dad makes me nervous, I don't really like him to be truthful, he's prone to anger and shouting. I don't like being near him, which I have mentioned. I have gotten into a physical alteration with him, as well as a few months ago hulled his flesh covered skeleton of a body off of my brother when he was feeling particularly pissy about his lot in life, in the resulting shouting match he complained that he was suffering from Crohm's as if it was an excuse to act belligerent. My response was worse and shouldn't have been said, I told him to "Hurry Up" as in, hurry up and die. It was in the heat of passion, but there is a part of me that desires this. I know this because whenever I get furious I tend to imagine brutally murdering him, or subtly killing him. These periods of anger can last for a while but during which I do nothing but sit in my room fuming, often times I will seek another human being (obviously not my family) to talk to and ease me. These have began occurring (to my immediate knowledge) since my physical altercation with my father. I believe it was ... 1 or 2 years ago that he punched/slapped (Depends on whose version) me in the face. None of you know this, but in my moments of anger, or great frustration any kind of hostile action (joking or not) can prompt me to fly into a berserker fury, though (fortunately I hold myself back from truly unrestrained actions such as eye gouging and throat punching) if I am not in such a state, these hostile actions (Punching, slapping, hitting over the head with a newspaper) can put me in a vile state of anger and bitterness. Of course so can words. Regardless these actions have me putting an increased distance from myself to my Father. The Third Reason, I don't want to watch him die, and the Fourth is that There is nothing I can do for him anyway so what's the point? These two Reasons are very close to one another. Though in all honest I am probably more driven by the first two.

So what do you guys think? How do I try and present myself as kind compassionate and caring comfortably? Do I need to re-evaluate myself and my family relationship? Should I just not be worried? Any advice, or opinions I will take no offence to.

the way i see it, theres no way to present yourself as kind and compassionate without actually being so. you'll have to be more caring and thoughtful, more selfless. how youre gonna do that is up to you. i think you really need to have a talk with your parents. both of them, and a long meaningful talk. get all the feels up and out there. your dad wont be around for very long, and it would really suck if he died and you guys were still on bad terms